August – the month of many ups and downs..

The month of August.. How I love but dislike you as well.

Thankfully most of these events did not happen in the same year.

I was married this month to a man who I thought was the love of my life, my entire world, my soulmate. These times were happier for sure. It’s a day I’ll remember as some of these precious souls that attended have moved on and I’ll cherish having them with us that day. ๐Ÿ‘ฐ๐Ÿป๐Ÿ’•๐Ÿคต๐Ÿป

I had an interview for a job that I wasn’t sure I was going to get because I don’t interview well and am so quiet until you’ve gotten to know me but did get it! 10 years later and I’m still with the same company and have learned and continue to learn so much. ๐Ÿ˜

Fast forward a few years; I found out my then husband was using drugs as I stumbled upon his “stash” in the garage. He had been lying or better said was hiding from me for 18 months of our marriage about this. I didn’t know what to think what else was he hiding? Could I trust him again? Did I even know what I wanted in life anymore? ๐Ÿ˜”๐Ÿ’”

Although some symptoms started in May of 2011 – dropping things, tingling in my legs that moved up my body into my hands, stumbling and tripping on flat surface while walking to name a few. After blood tests, several doctors visits and an hour and half laying completely still to have an MRI completed – the official diagnosis of my autoimmune disease was confirmed. At the time I had no idea how my life was going to change. I still stumble, lose my balance, have brain fog, the tingling in my legs and feet at times is still there. I’m learning from it daily and will continue to live my best life. ๐Ÿงก

My sweet daddy had a heart issue scare. I live in another state that is a 6-7 hours drive from my parents. I left as soon as I could and don’t know how but made it to them at the hospital within 4 1/2 hours. This scare immediately led to a quick fix and a major surgery scheduled. ๐Ÿ’” The week was a blur, I still remember the look on my daddy’s face though. This big strong man lying in a hospital bed with balloon pumps keeping his sweet loving heart beating. He was scared but was showered with so much love that he knew he’d be okay. He had a 4 vessel bypass and Mitral valve annuloplasty – repair to the heart valve, I am so thankfully I had my Momma and sister sitting by my side that week. He just had his 5 year checkup and all is well!! ๐ŸŽ‰โค๏ธ

Every year I try to look forward to the happy moments of the month, several birthdays for friends and family, the relief and grief of knowing what my body was/ is going though and to celebrate my Papi having a successful surgery. Changing my mindset and letting hurtful things of the past has been my goal this year. ๐Ÿ’–

The What ifโ€™s..

In life these days, the what if’s have been weighing on my mind and heart a lot lately…

What if I was still married to the man I was madly in love with 10 years ago?

What if we thought we made it and ended up resentful towards each other in a toxic marriage with children?

What if we would actually did make it through our huge dip in the road of our marriage?

Would we have been happy?

Would even I have a child or two?

What if I never moved to one of the hottest cities that had dreadfully long summers?

Would I have found out I have an auto-immune disease that is made more noticeable sometimes by heat?

Would I have met my friends now that are more like family?

Would my friendship back home flourished if I was closer to them all?

What if I never get married again?

What if it’s too late for me to have children?

Would I be who I am today?

What if, what if, what if..

I don’t know how life would of played out for my ex-husband and I at all. I don’t know if we could even have children together since we did try for awhile with no success. I don’t know who I’d be, I fear I’d be a sad, depressed wife with children trying to make my life work.

I’m not sure why I’m reviewing the old times and the what if’s of my life from the past and present.. Maybe I’m just wondering because a big birthday milestone is approaching or it’s time to let it go and just be at peace where my life has landed me.

What if all I have been through has shown me, I’m a woman who can handle her own issues that arise, I’m strong, stubborn even at times, determined to live the life I have made for myself and enjoy the love that I have in my life that has never been something I have ever experienced.

This man I love today is my rock, keeps me grounded, the one who came along at the right time in life who is caring, kind, sweet, takes care of me when I’m sick, funny and most of all the most loving man I have ever met.

So what if all you’ve been worried about all of this time is for nothing? All that you feared or are fearing is bringing you to your best life?! Go ahead re-evaluate your life to to see how far you’ve come and if you are living your life to your fullest. But don’t you dare live in the what if’s that could of been or may have happen. Love your life and live it to your best abilities.