Mixed Emotions

That feeling that people are talking about you after you offer what you know about a matter that you heard them chatting about but probably are not but still that instinct is there.

Did you want to feel included and knowledgeable in this matter that you heard people discussing? Or did you just pipe in because you knew the information and thought I have that answer? After you spoke you went back to your own task but heard the whispers of laughter.

Maybe they were and maybe they were not. But your body flushed with embarrassment, now you feel like shrinking back and not wanting to add in your two cents into other conversations.

Most times I stay quiet even though I know the information as I feel like if I chime in then they’ll expect me to do the work. Trust me that has happened in the past where I know other people can do the leg work themselves but act like they can’t find the answers.

Then I feel like if I don’t chime in with the answers I’m not being helpful to my team.

I always try to give the benefit of the doubt and hope they appreciated the information and weren’t talking about me. In the end, they now have a better understanding of something and if they chose to use it then great. If they don’t, its not my issue.

I trust that the universe will always set you in your rightful path in life. I just have to remember that from time to time.

💖

Thank you auto-immune disease for ruining my Saturday night…

I had the best intentions to set out on a an hour and a half trip down to southern Arizona to watch the sunset as we were driving and to see my friends band play.  We have a diabetic cat so we have to give him insulin twice a day so that was already planned for and we would have plenty of time to make it to the show. I could tell my emotions were starting to creep in. I wanted to go, I truly did as I miss my friends in the band a lot, I haven’t seen my them in over a year and three years had gone by before that but I also felt like I didn’t want to go. I thought of the drive, where the bathroom stops would be, the feeling of wanting to be spontaneous and surprise the band, the thoughts of what could we have for dinner, could I change my injection of my weekly medication to Sunday and still function at work on Monday. I felt tired too even though I only went grocery shopping and did one load of laundry. The time was ticking away and I was getting hungry but didn’t know what I wanted – well I did – I wanted nachos but didn’t want to go out or make them. I wanted peanut butter cookies too. My boyfriend offered to take me to dinner instead of us going to see my friends or to make nachos here at home, he found a quick peanut butter cookie recipe as well. But really nothing was making me feel any better and I just wanted to cry. The sudden emotions, mood changes and fatigue are truly the most annoying thing to me. We didn’t end up going anywhere, we watched some shows, I didn’t get my nachos but I can say the care my boyfriend put in to try and make me happy with the delicious cookies did make me feel a little better. I had to sleep off some of the emotions but still do feel bad I didn’t make it to see my friends. Still working on changing my mindset daily but I know that I have to take each day as they come and try my best to enjoy the times I do make it to other events.

Also we made homemade nachos for lunch on Sunday and they were delicious! 🤤

 

August – the month of many ups and downs..

The month of August.. How I love but dislike you as well.

Thankfully most of these events did not happen in the same year.

I was married this month to a man who I thought was the love of my life, my entire world, my soulmate. These times were happier for sure. It’s a day I’ll remember as some of these precious souls that attended have moved on and I’ll cherish having them with us that day. 👰🏻💕🤵🏻

I had an interview for a job that I wasn’t sure I was going to get because I don’t interview well and am so quiet until you’ve gotten to know me but did get it! 10 years later and I’m still with the same company and have learned and continue to learn so much. 😁

Fast forward a few years; I found out my then husband was using drugs as I stumbled upon his “stash” in the garage. He had been lying or better said was hiding from me for 18 months of our marriage about this. I didn’t know what to think what else was he hiding? Could I trust him again? Did I even know what I wanted in life anymore? 😔💔

Although some symptoms started in May of 2011 – dropping things, tingling in my legs that moved up my body into my hands, stumbling and tripping on flat surface while walking to name a few. After blood tests, several doctors visits and an hour and half laying completely still to have an MRI completed – the official diagnosis of my autoimmune disease was confirmed. At the time I had no idea how my life was going to change. I still stumble, lose my balance, have brain fog, the tingling in my legs and feet at times is still there. I’m learning from it daily and will continue to live my best life. 🧡

My sweet daddy had a heart issue scare. I live in another state that is a 6-7 hours drive from my parents. I left as soon as I could and don’t know how but made it to them at the hospital within 4 1/2 hours. This scare immediately led to a quick fix and a major surgery scheduled. 💔 The week was a blur, I still remember the look on my daddy’s face though. This big strong man lying in a hospital bed with balloon pumps keeping his sweet loving heart beating. He was scared but was showered with so much love that he knew he’d be okay. He had a 4 vessel bypass and Mitral valve annuloplasty – repair to the heart valve, I am so thankfully I had my Momma and sister sitting by my side that week. He just had his 5 year checkup and all is well!! 🎉❤️

Every year I try to look forward to the happy moments of the month, several birthdays for friends and family, the relief and grief of knowing what my body was/ is going though and to celebrate my Papi having a successful surgery. Changing my mindset and letting hurtful things of the past has been my goal this year. 💖

The What if’s..

In life these days, the what if’s have been weighing on my mind and heart a lot lately…

What if I was still married to the man I was madly in love with 10 years ago?

What if we thought we made it and ended up resentful towards each other in a toxic marriage with children?

What if we would actually did make it through our huge dip in the road of our marriage?

Would we have been happy?

Would even I have a child or two?

What if I never moved to one of the hottest cities that had dreadfully long summers?

Would I have found out I have an auto-immune disease that is made more noticeable sometimes by heat?

Would I have met my friends now that are more like family?

Would my friendship back home flourished if I was closer to them all?

What if I never get married again?

What if it’s too late for me to have children?

Would I be who I am today?

What if, what if, what if..

I don’t know how life would of played out for my ex-husband and I at all. I don’t know if we could even have children together since we did try for awhile with no success. I don’t know who I’d be, I fear I’d be a sad, depressed wife with children trying to make my life work.

I’m not sure why I’m reviewing the old times and the what if’s of my life from the past and present.. Maybe I’m just wondering because a big birthday milestone is approaching or it’s time to let it go and just be at peace where my life has landed me.

What if all I have been through has shown me, I’m a woman who can handle her own issues that arise, I’m strong, stubborn even at times, determined to live the life I have made for myself and enjoy the love that I have in my life that has never been something I have ever experienced.

This man I love today is my rock, keeps me grounded, the one who came along at the right time in life who is caring, kind, sweet, takes care of me when I’m sick, funny and most of all the most loving man I have ever met.

So what if all you’ve been worried about all of this time is for nothing? All that you feared or are fearing is bringing you to your best life?! Go ahead re-evaluate your life to to see how far you’ve come and if you are living your life to your fullest. But don’t you dare live in the what if’s that could of been or may have happen. Love your life and live it to your best abilities.

Transformation And GratiTuesday

It’s the last day of the month and a Tuesday.. What better day to share a transformation and my gratitude for the changes that have been happening over the last 3-5 years, maybe longer subconsciously.

My first few months in Arizona.. hello chipmunk cheeks..

Lunch date with some friends

In March 2015, I decided the time was now to change..

I chose BeachBody 21 Day Fix for the portion control containers, 30 minute workouts, Shakeology benefits and the mindset to set a new habit takes 21 days.

One month after starting BeachBody 21 Day Fix on our Hawaii vacation.

Round 2 or maybe even Round 3 Of 21 Day Fix.

I was inconsistent with workouts but kept going with trying to better myself with other BeachBody programs, eating clean and then 80 Day Obsession came along. 6 days a week with 35-60 minutes Workouts, Timed-nutrition, self-care tips to help you not only look your best, but also feel your best physically and mentally! I’m in!!

The start of BeachBody 80 Day Obsession. Day 1!

End of Phase 1 – BeachBody – 80 Day Obsession.

End of Phase 2 – BeachBody – 80 Day Obsession.

End of Phase 3 – BeachBody – 80 Day Obsession.

Here, I was so happy and still crying because I stuck to the program and finished strong!

Hi baby abs!!!

I started it all over again in June.

I haven’t been as consistent with the workouts but my nutrition has been better than it’s been in years!

Results from 3/5/2015 – 6/4/2018.

I’ve not only lost weight, inches but have changed my entire mindset to food, workouts and self-care. Thank you body, mind, spirit, santa, the universe and of course sweet Autumn Calabrese for helping me live my best life!

Real Talk

I have a confession and it’s not a huge O.M.G. Secret or revelation….

I’m a human who can eat healthy, look healthy, workout 6 days a week for three straight months but still fall off the “wagon”. 🤭

Yes, I AM healthy and do workout to maintain my health but there are days that I just want something more than veggies and beans and rice and more veggies.

I’m not saying to eat the whole selection in the pastry section of your local bakery. It’s called balance and being mindful of your food choices. It’s also means that’s yes you can eat yummy treats and still be healthy!

This weekend, yes I said weekend, was one that the sweet tooth sugary lover was in need of some yummy treats.

Oh my goodness of cinnamon rolls with homemade cream cheese frosting. 🤤

Yes, they are gluten-free and egg free.. they were also soooo delicious!

Up next Carob cupcakes.

We added peanut butter to the homemade cream cheese frosting and ta-da you have what to me tastes like a chocolate peanut butter cupcakes!

And now back to your regular schedule of veggies and beans and rice and more veggies. 🌱 💖

Letting it go..

We all have a hard time with letting things go that we have no control over from time to time. Yesterday afternoon something happened that irked me even into the night. I woke up thinking I could of said this or that. I was talked down to over the phone while trying to explain a process that I’ve known for over 6 years. I was also told I wasn’t articulating what was needed even though I explained what this person needed to do three different ways. I was then laughed at and told “no I’m telling you what you need to do. I don’t need to do anything.” I was so upset I just said “I’ll handle internally!” and hung up on this person. I told my boss very loudly “that guy was such a dickhead!” For one, I rarely cuss at work and usually keep my cool but this was a rare moment that I could not.

My face on the phone and the look on my entire team on the floor when I exploded..

Definition of Articulate:

My expressive language after the call was very clearly understood.. 🤭

I’m a Capricorn, have trouble letting things go and stubborn in my ways. I’ve decided today I can’t fix it and maybe we just were not understanding each other due different verbiage used.. I’m trying to let it go and will await the Team handling this escalation to provide their feedback.

Here’s to changing my mindset and to a lovely long weekend!! 💖