Parenthood Thoughts

Cherish the moments even the tough ones because it’s proof you can conquer it all.

Set boundaries and your priorities early.

You may get shamed for your choices or how you do things. Stick to your boundaries and do what you feel is best.

Nap when they nap is such great advice if you don’t mind not eating, showering, going pee, having clean clothes and dishes.

Some days feel like the longest that will never end.

Some days feel like they go way too fast.

You will feel like you are not able to tackle the challenges but breathe through and you will.

You will get frustrated with the crying and just know it will get easier but if you can’t handle it, ask for help or set the Bebe safely in their crib and walk away to take a breath.

It will feel Ike a guessing game when feeding them if you don’t have help with the amounts they should be taking in. Example when asked how much the pediatrician said they’ll cry when hungry and will let you know if it’s too much when they spit up.

You will more than likely break all the “rules” of no co-sleeping even just for an hour or two as that’s the only way they’ll sleep. Try to be mindful of their safety but if they sleep then do it anyways.

You’re sad because the time is so fast, You’re sad because the time is so slow, yet every smile or giggle makes all the sad disappear.

You will feel like your body has failed you when you can’t make enough milk for your bebes. It did not.

You will forget the last time you showered or brushed your teeth. At least brush your teeth once a day and change into clean Pjs.

You will most likely fall asleep feeding but your reflexes seem to be cat like.

Drink lots of water & eat balanced meals. Friends sending meals, family making you meals, 40oz water bottle and prepared meals from Costco are live savers.

People will stop checking in on you but try not to take it personally, we all have busy lives, they may think we don’t need it anymore but it’s nice to be checked on.

You may have feelings of wanting to go back to work or you may have feelings that there is no way you want that old job.

Give yourself grace.

You are exactly what your Bebe needs

Breastfeeding journey

It was not journey I had envisioned…

Late on 08/22/2022 or 08/23/2022, early morning – I tried to have Christopher breastfeed but due to his temps not regulating and being smaller, the nurses gave him to Joe for Skin to skin, fed a bottle. Michael and I did skin to skin, tried to breastfeed then bottle feed. When Christopher was taken it the nursery, we were so focused on him being able to regulate his body temperature so he was bottle fed. My milk still had not started to come in either. We were discharged 08/24/2022, so I tried to keep up with trying to feed Michael every 3 hours, pump every 3 hours, feed him a bottle when we knew he was still hungry, sleep in between his wakings and feedings, drive 25 minutes each way to see Christopher daily.

On 08/25/2022, I was able to bring colostrum, liquid gold, or to Christopher but he was still being bottle fed as well.

On 08/26/2022, I was able to bring more colostrum to Christopher.

Due to the Formula shortage – Joe had to drive to a few different places to find some cans of formula. At times he would find only 2 cans and would leave the other ones for other parents searching for the same formula.

We were advised to Fortify breast milk with formula for both boys. We were also giving these tips, Feed every three hours, pump every three hours to trick body to think has to make enough for 3 babies – I had alarms set and felt like failure when didn’t make enough or pump on time due to lack of sleep or the bebes beings fed.

On 08/31/2022, My husband had to pack up Michael and I and rush me to the ER. I was having shivers, couldn’t get warm and had a 103.9 fever. They ran tests on urine and blood but nothing back yet. I was givng antibiotics and Tylenol to help combat it. We later found out it something to do with infection of the breast just something happens with breastfeeding and no pumping enough – mastitis, I had symptoms of fever before that presented signs this afternoon.

On 09/04/2022; our little Christopher was discharged from the NICU. On 09/05/2022; Christopher breastfeed for 1st time and latched immediately which left my husband and I teary eyed as I was so worried he would not know me.

After trying to keep a schedule of when one Bebe would feed at night then the other Bebe would feed the next night. We had to switch to feeding to 6am and 12pm – one Bebe gets breast and one Bebe gets bottle of breastmilk.

In November of 2022, we were noticing they breast-feed for almost an hour each. We kept switching off with one Bebe would eat at night, then the next morning and would switch off the other bebe at night and then the next morning same Bebe would feed, It seemed to be the only way that we can make it work for our schedule and to make sure that they are getting enough food and not overly tired or overly hungry.

For a few months they would take over an hour to eat, then it dwindled to 10-30 mins and still need a bottle of formula. We had switched to Michael at 6am and Christopher at 12pm as it seemed Michael was more alert in the early morning and Christopher would eat whenever.

On 02/05/2023, I made the painstaking decision to pump exclusively and feed them bottles of breast milk due to they were not staying on more than 10-20 mins and we wanted to know exact amounts they were getting, I was going back to work full-time and may not have worked with work schedules and naps. Not to mention, you need an accommodation to request access to a wellness room at work, so if my schedule didn’t sync up I would miss a breastfeeding time. I do not have the luxury of just coming back to breastfeed when I wanted especially if we were not sure if they were getting enough as we would supplement formula after breastfeeding.

Thoughts/feelings:

Mom guilt, Sadness, Relief, we have what seems like more time, we know exactly amount taking in of breast milk.

Will they miss it? I’m sure they may because at times they still try to feed when they are in my arms.

Will they know? I have no idea if they do but they are loved, healthy and growing little boys.

Will I miss it? Oh my do I ever. I miss watching them with sleepy eyes warm and snug and knowing I was providing them their nutrients.

Do I also feel relief that I am not breastfeeding? I do as I know the amounts they are receiving, not feeling like I can’t relax and know that they will finish their bottles in a set timeframe.

Am I ready to say goodbye to breastfeeding? I was not entirely ready nor do I feel like we could go back to it full time at least. I try to set aside the guilt, sadness and relax into ensuring I am pumping at least mostly one meal a day for them of breast milk.

One Bebe at home, one Bebe in the NICU and an ER visit.

The morning after our boys were born, our sweet little peanut, Christopher, was taken to the nursery due to he was not able to regulate his body temperature. He finally had that under control then he started having desaturation episodes during sleep and when just sucking his pacifier. We were sent home on day 2 of our hospital stay with Michael.

I can say having a newborn at home, being sleep deprived and driving to the hospital which was a 25 minutes drive one way every day hoping he’d get come home was the one of the worst feelings to date.

Christopher stayed in the nursery for 6 days and eventually was moved over to the NICU for monitoring for how much he ate, if he gained weight or had any desaturation episodes. We would get updates of how much he was or was not eating, if he had an episode that he recovered from on his own or if he needed gentle stimulation. We would pack up Michael to drive the 25 minutes one way, would spend maybe 30 mins to an hour each day with Christopher mostly in the evenings. Since Michael was discharged he was not allowed in the nursery or NICU. One of us would sit in the waiting room while one of us spent time with Christopher to feed or just cuddle him. Some nights we both could go in as my parents would sit with Michael in the lobby.

Nine days after the boys were born, super early in the morning I had shivers, couldn’t get warm and had a 103.9 fever. My husband had to get Michael and me in the car to take me to the ER. They ran tests on urine, did blood work, had a chest X-ray and ultrasound of my legs. I was given antibiotics and Tylenol to help combat the fever. Michael was a trooper and all the nurses loved to see this tiny peanut who wasn’t there for testing.

All the items they tested me for made sense, if I had a UTI and low potassium too – All these things contribute to heart rate being irregular or blood pressure. The antibiotics they gave me were for “E coli in urinary tract”. The doctor did say rather start me on it and if nothing is found I’d stop it but if something is found in urine or blood work then at least I started it already. The thing they worried about most was blood clots that why i had an ultrasound of my legs there. I had been on baby aspirin the entire pregnancy too. I had set a follow appointment with my OBGYN office for Friday. We were hoping the the cultures were done and they can review them too at the appointment.

We later found out that evening from the NICU lactation nurse who came and talked with me and I showed her I had redness, warm to touch left breast – and that my fever had something to do with infection of the breast that happens with breastfeeding and not pumping enough – mastitis, I had symptoms of fever before the other symptoms presented that afternoon. Antibiotics did help and pumping lots and breastfeeding to move it out of my body.

On September 4th, our littlest peanut Christopher, was finally discharged to come home with us. We were a family of 5, including Baby Gurl Rey, going on a new adventure of parenthood.

Surprise Motherhood journey

Welp it’s been over two years since I posted and still not sure where the time went.

I know Covid has a big spot in all our lives but now I’m more vigilant for keeping safe since we have two beautiful twin boys born in August of 2022. YES, you read that correctly – TWIN BOYS! It’s also taken me about 5 months to settle in and collect my thoughts and everything that’s happened since finding out we were having bebes!

This time last year we had no idea we were even pregnant, let alone twins were on the way to us. Honestly we tried for about a year and had resigned to the fact maybe bebes were not in our future. I have to say I absolutely loved being pregnant. We got a positive over the counter test on February 1st, an ultrasound on February 3rd, We had announced on Good Friday going into Easter weekend of this little miracle. I rarely had any morning sickness and feeling these Bebes grow and move around was one of the best feelings. I am high risk not only due to my age (Advance Maternal age is what they call it now) but my auto-immune disease that I have. We were excited but also worried about every test, ultrasound and appointment to hear their heartbeats. They had several ultrasounds to check growth, a fetal echogram, an anatomy scan with a Perinatal Dr. All appointments went well and these little babes were growing.

In June, at 28 weeks pregnant, I had tripped, fallen and went down with my belly hitting the sidewalk. We were taken to the hospital to examine the Bebes heartbeats, movements, if I was having contractions and an ultrasound to see if they appeared to have any injuries. That was the worst 6 hours of our lives at the time. All was well with me and them but the feeling of them being hurt has really stuck with us.

All appointments seemed to progress well and these Bebes were growing well, we had a plan of 38 weeks and even pre-registered with the hospital for delivery. We even packed our hospital bags and took them to each appointment just in case.

At 35 weeks, I was 3 cms but the dr wasn’t worried as you can be dilated for a few weeks before birth. Well at 37 week, 2 days we went in for a regular checkup, ultrasound and a non-stress test (NST). At the ultrasound the office told us they didn’t do NST’s for twins there so we would have to go to the hospital for that and decided to do a pelvic check out and I was at 5cm already. I was having slight cramping that felt like annoying period cramps. Uh no I was in active LABOR. Well there went the birth plan of 38 weeks and the possibility of a c-section was more real as bebe B was and always had been breach. We were admitted as by the time we got to the hospital around 1:30pm, contractions were 4-5 mins apart, steady and I was 6cms. I’m not sure when but they had started Pitocin, given my an IV of antibiotics as I was positive for strep b, I think the epidural was in by 7:30pm and around 8pm they gave more Pitocin, I was at 7cm and my water broke by 8:30pm. By 9:30pm we were being moved to the OR for delivery.

Did you know they play music in the OR? We didn’t but it was cool to know that “Take on Me” by Ah-Ha was playing during their arrival which was vaginally, with lots of cheering from Dr. Jenkins, Dr. Cheng, Nurse Liz and a whole team in the OR. Bebe A came out after I pushed a few times, Bebe B was taken out by Dr Jenkins reaching in and pulling him out feet first, my husband was able to cut both umbilical cords and announce their gender. We never found out their gender until they were born.

Bebe A – Michael Rene was born at 10:08pm weighing 5 lbs, 10oz and 18.5 inches long. Bebe B – Christopher John was born at 10:12pm weighing 4lbs,8 oz and 17.3 inches long.

And just like that we Bounce Forward into Parenthood.